This little piggy stayed at home

I find myself wondering whether this is a cynical attempt at gaining publicity. A variation on the Three Little Pigs story has apparently been rejected by a government agency awards panel. OK, a children's educational CD-ROM called "Three Little Cowboy Builders" was never going to have an easy ride ... but I still can't see in what way this would offend Muslims. Builders, yes: I can see how they might feel offended. Still, it's a variation on banning the thing.

I wrote a piece a while ago about Muslim being the new Black - but never posted it. I'm still convinced that beliefs rather than appearance is the current target of scaremongery. Hoodies and drunks no longer hold the public in fear - but Muslims? That's almost foreign. They're obviously a rotten lot to be despised and feared, surely?

One of two things is tue of this CD-ROM: either the material is offensive - in which case the reasons should be explained properly, or the material is not offensive - in which case Becta should apologise. Reading the comments on The Register article, I know which I suspect is true.

Personally, I think a good story should be left alone. The rot set in when the story was changed so that first two pigs survived. A fat load of use as a cautionary tale when there are no consequences!

Whatever happened to common sense?

Now I'm not a political animal - but the society created by the last two governments is not one I enjoy being part of. The blame is not solely theirs, of course. The popular media (and I include grown-up newspapers in that) have had a major influence in this, too.

I have gotten used to the way of life, I'm sorry to say. I expect to be ripped off by small traders. I expect the government to feather its own nest, rather than to serve the people. I am not surprised when yet another law is passed which restricts my freedom and patronises my intelligence.

The disturbing development, however, is that private companies are now beginning to follow suit. Last week say J D Wetherspoon announcing a limit on the number of drinks served to adults with children. It's bad enough having the government telling me what is good and what is not good for me. The company are not, we are told, concerned with adults being intoxicated in charge of children: their two-drink limit may also extend to soft drinks. No, the quoted reson is that children will be bored as there is no play area.

In reality, the company wants to put as many cards through the till as possible. Shifting bums is their way of achieving this. I never have - and now probably never will - go to a J D Wetherspoon. Two drinks? Keep 'em!

Censorship? NO!

When, oh when will people learn that censorship is rarely - if ever - the answer?

Yes, I know that the whole Winterval thing was supposedly a big commercial exercise gone badly wrong, but the Political Correctness brigade have really got a lot to answer for. Is it any wonder we live in a nanny state when no-one can air their opinions or write conversations which might cause offence?

I will grudgingly accept that arbitrarily injected profanity can cause offence - and so arguably should be censored for main-stream broadcast. But, for goodness sake! Fairytale of New York is part of the Christmas furniture .. along with Jona Lewie, Wizzard and Slade. Changing or blanking the words now is a real horse-bolted-door-close thing. Surely, everyone's heard it by now? Even if they had not - the language is in context. This petty PC censorship is like putting a bra on the Venus de Milo. The song is an argument between two lovers - the words reflect the passion and heartache involved.

What're they gonna do next? Will tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol get disability benefit? Perhaps he shouldn't be disabled at all! What? That'd change the story? Who cares - as long as no-one's offended? Wrong! Wrong I tell you!

Right. I will now relax and look forward to Christmas - having got that out of my system. More port and stilton required, methinks.

Just because you can ..

... doesn't mean you should.

Depressed? You should be†.

I've ranted about modern medical science before; and I'll no doubt have cause to rant about them again in future. It is a classical example of a self-supporting argument. The whole industry is geared up to find solutions and then apply problems to them.

This one takes the biscuit, though. Exercise does indeed have huge benefits to sufferers of depression. What these scientists fail to realise is that this is only partly a chemical effect.

Chemicals cannot replace the satisfaction of having achieved something. Precisely the opposite: anyone taking these proposed medicines will become even more dependent on someone else - the very people indending to help. So-say.

For goodness sake! If exercise helps: encourage it .. don't try to bottle it!

† Note that I'm not trying to make light of mental illness here. In fact, I'm trying to point out that the "experts" appear to be doing their best effort to ignore the seriousness of the issues.

Bloody Christmas

Don't you hate Christmas? All that hype .. the endless pretentious adverts for perfume .. and as for shop decorations - don't get me started!

I'm sure it gets worse every year. This time round there were sparkly decorations appearing before Guy Fawkes night! Now the streets are festooned with tinselled trees - largely artifical, but increasingly real - and twinkly lights.

Then again, I tend to leave present buying until at least December - on principle - which never leaves enough time. I can't bear to think about Christmas with a sixth of the year still to go, and I can't afford to leave it all until the last minute.

Chestnuts roasting on a open fire
Jack Frost nipping on your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Come Christmas morning - fuelled with our now-traditional Bucks Fizz - I will feel different. The children will have eagerly opened their stocking presents and spread them and the associated wrapping paper all over the house.

Every year we do the same thing. Er - that is, Father Christmas does the same thing. We wrap all the stocking presents. Almost without fail, we sit down on Christmas Eve and wrap what feels like hundreds of little presents. The result gives the appearance of an explosion in a Christmas decorations factory. Which I somethimes think isn't a bad idea.

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

Ah, but the thought of suggling up by the fire after eating a hearty dinner - brandy in one hand and mince pie in the other - warms the cockles of my heart. By then, the trauma of fighting though the shopping centres and scouring the internet for that elusive Wii add-on will be all but forgotten. The cold hard reality of the vast overspend will not yet have hit and I will be at peace.

Except that I won't. I will be busily juggling being a parent and a child, fitting batteries and serving drinks, giving and receiving. The children, having been wound up to fever pitch by school and television over the previous months will be bouncing off the walls and fighting over something or other. There will be disagreements over whether we should be watching the Queen's speech or listening to the Christmas Carols CD. In short, it will be Bedlam.

They know that Santa's on his way;
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.
And every mother's child is going to spy,
To see if reindeer really know how to fly

Boxing day, however, we always try to make sure we can relax. Food will be cold and/or simple. Snacks will be plentiful. Fun will be had. By order.

This is when there is always the visiting and the family. I could moan - but in truth I kind of like my family, really. Deep down. That's not so say it it all runs smoothly or that there is stress involved.

So: my advice for Christmas? Go with the flow. Make merry. Wine women and wassail and all that. Enjoy.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
A very Merry Christmas to you

Merry Christmas indeed. And I'm sure the next five weeks will fly past.

The Japanese knotweed of festivals

.. as in an unwelcome import.

This really sums it up beautifully, for me.

I blame E.T. Before that, no-one in the UK went trick-or-treating .. it was something those weird colonial types did. We had Guy Fawkes Night.

These days, every child in the land wants to go collecting sweets. Everyone has second-hand stories about gangs of uncontrolled youths and eggs - or worse - being thrown. Luckily, round our way they are mostly chaperoned and relatively well behaved. We did have a few teenagers trying their luck - but I'm glad to say that they accepted sweets instead of money.

.. and that's where you have to draw a line. A gang of hoodies^†, knocking on someone's front door and demanding money is extortion, isn't it? Or demanding money with menances. Or something. Definately not right - and probably illegal. There should be a campaign to put more police on the streets for Samhain. Sorry, Hallowe'en. I should start one. I just can't gather together enough righteous indignation .. and won't someone please think of the children?

But there's more! What's all this? At work today, there is pumpkin-and-bat shaped bunting. The staff at the coffee cart^‡ are wearing masks and scary lipstick. It's all gone too far! I'm slowly going mad!! Even using three exclamation marks!!! Eeeeeeeeek.

^† Note that I strongly dislike the use of stereotyping anyone wearing a particular garment (or haircut, etc..) as being of a certain pursuasion. I onw - and wear - a hoodie. It was the best description which came to mind, however. Artistic licence and whatnot.

^‡ This is what in other places might be called a coffee shop. Here, it's where we go to buy "posh coffee". Go figure.

Not *Another* Millenium!

Ethiopia, we learn today, celebrates the Millenuim a little later than the rest of the world. Today, in fact.

I'm amused to see that an inability to count is not limited to the western world. What am I talking about? The old 2000-is-not-the-Millenium thang again. Need a detailed explanation? Read someone more authorative than me explain it. It's pretty simple, really. Start counting at 1 .. continue to 10. The start of the next decade is 11; not 10. The start of the next century is 101; not 100. The start of the next millenium is 1001; not 1000. The start of the next millenium is 2001; not 2000.

End of.

Security Check, anyone?

I've returned from my self-awarded summer sabatical to find a letter from the police. Not as scary as it sounds: scarier - and in a different way. I'll explain ...

Some months ago - before I changed jobs - my employer arranged that we were all submitted for Police Security Check (SC) clearance. One specific county force had set themselves up as a central bureau for handling the checks. We filled our forms in and sent them off.

Shortly after I switched jobs. My previous employer said they'd see if they could stop the check for me, as they needn't pay for it. I thought that was the last I'd hear of it.

A couple of months a go I received a letter from the Police vetting unit requesting more information about an address I'd supplied. The letter was addressed to me, but began "Dear Mr Pearce". Odd. I phoned up and explained the situation; they said they'd stop the process. Again, I thought this was the last I'd hear about it.

A week before holiday, I received a Security Check certificate through the post: valid for 3 years.

The most recent letter is reminding me that they had asked for more data and not received it. Methinks they are in a bit of a muddle. I'm now more than a little concerned for the validity of the whole process. If I am given clearance, when I've specifically asked not to get clearance and without the appropriate documentation - what's it worth?

Answers on a postcard ...

Reality TV

So the other day there was a report that ITV have apologised for a drama about Alzheimer's. Apparently, the scene which portrayed the victim dying in fact showed him slipping into a coma. He died two days later.

There are some things we don't need to know. He had a terrible desease. He died. The fact that we didn't see him die is, to be honest, a comfort to me. There's transparency .. and there's TMI. This rediculous pursuit of perfection will inevitably be at the cost of understanding. The worst part is that it is not done for the benefit of the viewer - but for political reasons. Where will it end?

"The channel apologises for the recent programme implying that hospital is the safest place for a mother to give birth. In fact, this is not true: studies have shown that mothers who give birth at home are more relaxed and have better outcomes."

I'd love to hear the NHS response to that one!

Last night there were a good ten minutes devoted to the documentary on Alzheimer's. Following it was a short article on the misleading reports about the death of Jean Charles de Menezes and another about the US military misleading the families of a soldier killed by friendly fire. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds this prioritisation a little skewed.

The point is .. if there is one at all .. that channels apologising for ripping people off by stealing their money is fair enough. But, guys: you can stop there. We dont have to be told of every inaccuracy on TV .. there just isn't enough air-time! I for one am happy to believe in artistic license and take everything with a pinch of salt.

That tone of voice

It's crept into the news reporting now. That tone of voice. You know the one - where the narrator Stresses Every Word to Drive Home the Importance of What He's Saying. And is always is a bloke.

It started with those "Police! Stop!" programmes imported from the states. The voice over hyping every incident into world-shattering criminal activity. Something like two kids in a clapped out hatchback, having jumped a read light; the narration makes it sound like they're hardened criminals, threatening the lives of all around them.

.. and then, the felons attempt to escape on foot - abandonding the car without a second thought for the other read users. It all goes to show .. there's no escape when you have a broken headlight.

It reminds me of Stephen Tompkinson's character in "Drop the Dead Donkey" .. where he places a cuddly toy in shot and then turns to camera and says ".. and in the rubble .. a child's teddy bear." It's all so fake. The programme ends up skewing the truth to the point where it bears no relation to reality.

I was listening to the news reporting on the flooding in Gloucestershire last night. Arrgh! Why, WHY does it have to be sensational? It's bad enough as it is - without hyping it all up. Do they have an inferiority complex .. that our floods are nowhere near as bad as the aftermath of hurricane Katrina? Is it a competition? Is it an attempt to extract sympathy from an audience numbed by constant bombardment? I would feel more sympathetic if the reporting sounded at least a little sorry for the victims.

When I rule the world .. such reporting will involve public flogging. Now there's sensational!

No Smoke Without ...

Right. This global warming clap-trap has gone quite far enough. Cleaning up the environment? Fine. Reducing pollution? Fine. More energy efficiency? I'm all for it. But putting a stop to bonfires? Madness! (Come back, Los Palmos 7 - all is forgiven.)

Sure, there's smoke'n stuff. CO₂, even. But, really: how often does bonfire night come around? And is it really worse than any "alternative entertainment"? What're they gonna replace it with - which doesn't consume a huge amount of power?

OK, I'm a bit of a traditionalist. But surely, a Guy Fawkes celebration can't be a proper Guy Fawkes celebration without a good ol' bonfire? I grew up near Lewes - where bonfire celebration are taken very seriously, indeed. No bonfire? Not if I can help it!

Also: who's gonna stop them? Round our way, there's a fire in someone's back garden most days. If they stop the annual flame-fest, they'll just burn it all at home anyway.

The bonfire celebration is particularly English. Not the fire itself .. most countries do that. Not the fireworks - they're Chinese or somesuch. What's wonderful about it is that the whole country celebrates an attempt to blow up parliament. That says something about us. I'll accept your suggestions as to what this might be ...

Dumbing down education

Firstly, the links: An open letter to the AQA and the Department for Education (from Wellington Grey .. from a blog of very little brain

This is all very unnerving .. as a family who has just rejoined the schooled masses. I've had a number of conversations recently - arrived at from a number of different topics - all coming to the conclusion that the way schools are examined and tested these days is the cause. I once interviewed a guy who used a wonderful phrase (feel free to use it): Analysis Paralysis.

Analysis Paralysis
n
an informal phrase applied to when the opportunity cost of decision analysis exceeds the benefits. Analysis paralysis applies to any situation where analysis may be applied to help make a decision and may be a dysfunctional element of organizational behavior.

To my mind, schools are pretty much in analysis paralysis. So much effort is spent testing and making sure they're doing TheRightThing, that no time is left for doing TheRightThing. TheRightThing being educating the children, of course. It is a widely believed fact that children are taught to pass exams. This is not TheRightThing. It's like that old teach-a-man-to-fish saying.

The sooner the politicians who control state education realise this, the better. The recent focus on testing is seeking to solve a symptom. It will not help greatly. The current climate of distrust and fear - particularly with anything to do with children - is crippling. Until we as a society can learn to have a little trust and let people get on with their jobs, we will constantly disappoint ourselves.

That London 2012 Olympics Logo

Have you seen the revised London 2012 logo? Isn't it awful?

According to the BBC it was inspired by Tiswas. 'Nuff said. I think my kids could've done better. They would not have produced anything so carefully thought-out - but, I think that's the point. A logo should be simple, clear and easily recognised. This is a hideous monstrosity. A year to produce the design? £400K? Words fail me. Should have given the job to school and/or college kids.

Go on: sign the petition!

Tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em ...

Communication is an underrated skill. This is the conclusion I've come to. And we Brits are not very good at it.

The few OFSTED inspection reports I've read - particularly those for "failing" schools - comment on the quality of communication channels. Clearly, they see this as a key factor in maintaining an effective organisation. I agree wholeheartedly. In my experience, a business can succeed or fail on the strength of its ability to communicate effectively. Among the problems, is the fact that inadequate communications are rarely detected (as the people who run the business don't get to hear about the problem .. a classic gotcher).

It's not that people are not willing to communicate - or necessarily that the company culture is bad. Mostly, it's because different types of people talk different languages. The technical departments often talk themselves blue in the face, warning management of the likely disaster as a result of some business decision. To often, this is in vain as the product management or accountants listening cannot understand the problem. Likewise office staff typically feel dissatisfied with decisions made by their management. This is often due to their lack of understanding of the issues involved.

I'm often struck by how much can be achieved by setting up effective communication channels. In times of stress - when a release is imminent and we're facing the proverbial all-nighter - I have on a few occasions pulled the metaphoric rabbit out of the hat by walking up and down the office all day, passing messages back and forth. It's truly amazing the difference this can make.

What is needed is a translator: a mediator. Someone who can speak to each in language they can understand. How many people do you know with this job function? I can think of none. There's nearly always a requirement for "effective communicator" in any job spec, but this never translates into any real-world responsibility.

So: the solution? Ensure that middle-management do something useful and make sure everyone understands what everyone else is saying. Or hire people who can.

In my new job, I shall be mostly ...

Bloody Sky+

For the second time now, we've lost all our Sky+ recordings. Do we get any compensation? Do we buggery.

The first time was soon after we took up the service. Our Sky+ box was unable to record a programme whilst watching another, and any attempt to record two programmes simultaneously resulted in one failing. It transpired that one of the aerial inputs was not connecting properly, and the technician sent to resolve the problem ended up snapping off the wire in the socket. This meant that we had to have a replacement Sky+ box - and transferring our recordings was not an option.

Just the other day, we returned home from an evening out. We settled down to watch a recorded programme - to be told that there were no recorded programmes. The day before there was only 4% left - so we knew this was wrong. It quickly became apparent that our Sky+ box was acting as if we had no Sky+ subscription - we couldn't record anything or set reminders. Having spent half an hour on their 087 support number I was told that the only course of action was to to a "full system reset" - wiping the hard drive.

Now I know that the copyright rules mean that you're only allowed to "temporarily" keep programme recordings - but the kids are devastated. All the recent Dr Who episodes have been lost. A number of files we'd wanted to watch have been lost. Lost has been lost. It turns out they're "upgrading" the Sky+ boxes for the new "Sky Anytime" service. Some improvement.

All this comes during the end-of-warrantee phase where they're shassling us (three letters, now) to take up some £100/year extended warrantee. We're seriously considering jacking in the whole Sky thing and going Freeview.

Whose money?

It seems the government - not content with running our lives for us - want to put our money "to better use". All those pennies stashed away in account which we've forgotten about or choose to leave alone ... will soon be appropriated and redistributed.

.. isn't that embezzlement?

Not a free country, any more

I realised yesterday what turns me off British politics. What I mean is I realised what really bugs me about those interested in British politics.

There's a class of people who are interested in, knowledgeable about and who have influence over British politics. They are always up to date with the latest initiatives, acts and gossip. They expand on every detail - extrapolating the effects of every twitch.

What they seem to miss, however, is the bigger picture. Our government seem dead set on doing away with our every civil liberty. They almost abolished parliament, for goodness' sake! We will soon be - of we are not already - living in a police state. I am saddened to say that I no longer believe we can honestly say that we live in a free country any more.

Meanwhile, the politicos concern themselves with who will be the next deputy Prime Minster - as if none of this mattered.

I despair.

IT for the masses

Hear, hear! I came across this article on why "programmers can't program" these days. Strictly, it's about why interviewees can't program, mainly.

I, too, use simple tests - often as questions in a telephone interview .. but sometimes face-to-face. I figured they'd be viewed as archaic skills, and some of my colleagues have commented to that effect in the past. I believe, however, that programmers are more effective if they understand the machine they're programming. So: a sample of my simple questions:

1. What is significant about the number 255?


2. How does a computer store a floating-point number?


3. Using a bitwise boolean operation, what is 6 & 3?


4. How are parameters typically passed in to a function call?


5. Describe the implementation of a linked list


6. What is recursion?


7. What is the stack; what is the heap; and how to they differ?


8. What is packing or alignment in data structures?


9. What is an atomic operation? Describe a typical use of one

I found that 8/10 candidates comprehensively fail to demonstrate an understanding at this level - and that none ever answered all correctly.

So why can this be? Schooling.

When I were a lad .. our school bought a Commodore PET. I imagine they felt the new technology might benefit in some educational way - but I reckon they didn't know what to do with it. So they gave it to the head of maths. I guess they figured it was a big calculator. We started a computer club and pretty soon we were learning about algebraic logic and iteration using BASIC computer programs. Before the year was out, we knew far more than the teacher and had progressed to writing routines in 6502 assembler. I seem to recall the 2nd cassette port at address 826 was a safe location for such code. By the time I left school, I knew by heart all the powers of 2 up to 65536 and could do simple hex arithmetic in my head.

These days, as far as I can tell (from questions asked at open days) "IT" is no more ambitious than learning how to format paragraphs in Word, or sum a column in Excel. This is appalling for two big reasons: Firstly, it is just button-pushing. There is no skill in knowing where the "centred" option is for paragraph justification; it does not foster creativity or organised thought. Secondly it is very application-specific. Now I know you've got to start somewhere, and arguably the most common software is a sensible place to start, but does it really have to be Microsoft? Let's face it, despite their many (many) faults, Microsoft have invested a lot of money in usability to ensure their products are intuitive and easy to use. So how can spending lesson after lesson poking at it be justified (not left or right or centred .. just reasonable .. OK)?

Basically, no-one teaches computer programming in school. It's a shame, because it can be a vehicle for all sorts of subject matter. It's also a shame because I find it very hard to get the "right" candidate.

Hands free

Today brings higher penalties for using a hand-held mobile phone whilst driving. There is much discussion over whether this will have any affect on the problem. I have my doubts, personally. This is clearly an attempt to encourage drivers to adhere to a law which is unenforceable. Were it possible to enforce this law, it would have been done, and all these drivers would have been stopped and fined. I reckon the being stopped is more of a deterrent that the fine, personally. The increase only raises the bar in theory, as the culprits know they won't be caught.

I find myself wondering whether the use of mobile phones is really such a problem. Certainly it reduces the driver's ability to concentrate - but as has been discussed before, this true whether the phone is hand-held or hands-free. So: what could be worse than using a mobile phone when driving? I suggest (in no particular order):

• Having a screaming argument with a passenger - particularly a passenger in the back


• Applying make-up


• Listening to an engaging radio show - especially very funny ones


• Programming a Sat-Nav


• Taking clothes off - e.g. a coat


• Following too close behind the vehicle in front


• Erratically and frequently switching lanes in slowed traffic in a desperate attempt to get ahead or other vehicles


• Driving right behind the vehicle in front to prevent another vehicle merging into your lane


• Being too tired


• Blogging^†

Here, I lay down the gauntlet: top these!

^† OK .. that last one isn't a common problem, to my knowledge.

You're nicked

So: I'm not the only one who isn't convinced by our Tony's response to the ID card petition. Luckily, some have penned a more eloquent analysis of the flannel mailed to the "almost 28000" signatories.

I can see how having everyone's dabs on-file is the police's dream. I cant help thinking, however, that criminals can easily evade the law by wearing gloves. It is also fairly clear that if the main data gathering is through passport biometrics, and a main leaver of fingerprints at crime scenes is itinerant yoof - who don't have passports - fuelling their oft-reported DrugHabit^TM then the whole thing is a waste of our time and money.

My solution? Put the power and responsibility for keeping law and order back in the hands of the people. Ensure that citizens can chastise bad behaviour without fear of lawsuit. No .. encourage citizens to chastise bad behaviour. Create opportunities for legal recreation without high price tags. Encourage a reversal of the ever-increasing population density in the South East of England. Bring back society.

I'll keep dreaming ...