This little piggy stayed at home

I find myself wondering whether this is a cynical attempt at gaining publicity. A variation on the Three Little Pigs story has apparently been rejected by a government agency awards panel. OK, a children's educational CD-ROM called "Three Little Cowboy Builders" was never going to have an easy ride ... but I still can't see in what way this would offend Muslims. Builders, yes: I can see how they might feel offended. Still, it's a variation on banning the thing.

I wrote a piece a while ago about Muslim being the new Black - but never posted it. I'm still convinced that beliefs rather than appearance is the current target of scaremongery. Hoodies and drunks no longer hold the public in fear - but Muslims? That's almost foreign. They're obviously a rotten lot to be despised and feared, surely?

One of two things is tue of this CD-ROM: either the material is offensive - in which case the reasons should be explained properly, or the material is not offensive - in which case Becta should apologise. Reading the comments on The Register article, I know which I suspect is true.

Personally, I think a good story should be left alone. The rot set in when the story was changed so that first two pigs survived. A fat load of use as a cautionary tale when there are no consequences!

Digital dissent

I do love irony.

I have come to the conclusion that this year I will be mostly posting about stupidity and futile jesture.

Today's case in point is Tara Brabazon, Professor of Media Studies at the University of Brighton (or Brighton Polytechnic as I knew it). I do get her point, I really do .. but how can she possibly think that banning Wikipedia and Google is the right approach? The best part is, of course, that this is now recorded .. on Wikipedia (where else?)

Given that she is recorded as being a "digital dissenter" we can perhaps forgive the naiivity of not forseeing the entire internet now being full of this news. As a learned subject expert, however, she really should show more understanding of the cultural shifts being driven by new media. Surely, the better approach would be to ensure students do more online research - not less. And, yes, back up this research with other media.

The conclusion I have to draw is that this move is an example of elitism. She evidently disregards her chosen subject as having little or no worth. On this basis I must disregard her opinion as irrelevent.

Censorship? NO!

When, oh when will people learn that censorship is rarely - if ever - the answer?

Yes, I know that the whole Winterval thing was supposedly a big commercial exercise gone badly wrong, but the Political Correctness brigade have really got a lot to answer for. Is it any wonder we live in a nanny state when no-one can air their opinions or write conversations which might cause offence?

I will grudgingly accept that arbitrarily injected profanity can cause offence - and so arguably should be censored for main-stream broadcast. But, for goodness sake! Fairytale of New York is part of the Christmas furniture .. along with Jona Lewie, Wizzard and Slade. Changing or blanking the words now is a real horse-bolted-door-close thing. Surely, everyone's heard it by now? Even if they had not - the language is in context. This petty PC censorship is like putting a bra on the Venus de Milo. The song is an argument between two lovers - the words reflect the passion and heartache involved.

What're they gonna do next? Will tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol get disability benefit? Perhaps he shouldn't be disabled at all! What? That'd change the story? Who cares - as long as no-one's offended? Wrong! Wrong I tell you!

Right. I will now relax and look forward to Christmas - having got that out of my system. More port and stilton required, methinks.

Just because you can ..

... doesn't mean you should.

Depressed? You should be†.

I've ranted about modern medical science before; and I'll no doubt have cause to rant about them again in future. It is a classical example of a self-supporting argument. The whole industry is geared up to find solutions and then apply problems to them.

This one takes the biscuit, though. Exercise does indeed have huge benefits to sufferers of depression. What these scientists fail to realise is that this is only partly a chemical effect.

Chemicals cannot replace the satisfaction of having achieved something. Precisely the opposite: anyone taking these proposed medicines will become even more dependent on someone else - the very people indending to help. So-say.

For goodness sake! If exercise helps: encourage it .. don't try to bottle it!

† Note that I'm not trying to make light of mental illness here. In fact, I'm trying to point out that the "experts" appear to be doing their best effort to ignore the seriousness of the issues.

The Big Turn-Off

Digital terrestrial TV ("Freeview") has made the news once again today. The ongoing campaign to wean the viewing public off analogue technology has been tweaked up a notch by today's publicity around the first analogue transmitter to be switched off.

I'm all for digital TV. No, really. I look forward to being able to have multiple interactive channels available all over the house. I'm not convinced it'll be so easy, though. My analogue TV reception is terrible. My nearest transmitter is a mere mile and a half away, but t'other side of a hill. The only line-of-sight transmitter is over thirty miles away and that is just over a hill brow, too. It's not as if I live in a valley. Far from it, my bedroom window overlooks a valley and the hills beyond. It's just that all the transmitters are the other way.

Enter the marvelous Megalithia. Here, you can enter your OS grid reference, pick a transmitter and see the terrian along the line of sight - and work out how tall your aerial needs to be. The Digitalpy FAQ pages have been helpful, too.

This is all very well, but in the absence of a transmitter in the right place, I'll be relying on satellite TV - which means I cant afford to put a TV in the kids rooms. Pah. Maybe broadband TV will come to my rescue. Progress mumble mumble in my day mutter mutter all this was fields.

The Great Storm

In 1987, those of us who lived on the South Coast of England were subjected to the biggest storm to hit Britain in living memory. In retrospect - and in comparison with, say, Hurricane Katrina - it was not so bad. It was bad enough to cause "significant loss of life and devestation". This has only come to liight as I stumbled across a page about it on the Met Office website. It'll be twenty years ago on Monday.

My personal memories are still clear. I lived in a ground floor flat across the road from the beach - a few miles from Shoreham-by-Sea. I was woken in the early hours - one o'clock or so - by the noise. It was very loud - like nothing I'd neard before. I had a gas fire against the chimney breast; it was humming and vibrating as so much air was being drawn though it. The french windows were rattling like something out of Close Encounters.

I cautiously looked out of the window to the garden. Normally, I propped my windsurfer against the wall. For some reason, I had left it lying flat on the grass. As I looked I could see it being picked up by the wind .. making it hover about. I got rather unnerved by the strength of the wind: I was worried the windows were going to give way. I could almost feel the strength of it through the glass.

In the morning, having got a little sleep as the wind had peaked, I cycled to work. The coast road was red with pulverized rof tiles .. as if someone had powdered them and sprinkled the dust all over the road. My route took me along the airport perimiter track. The scene is difficult to imagine without having seen it. The light aircraft and helicopters were scattered and broken like childrens' toys.

Many TV programmes have been made about that night - and everyone who was there has a story to tell. I'll certainly never forget it.

Quasi Universal Intergalactic Deminonation

Go on .. lend us a quid.

"None of the existing payment systems we use on earth - like cash, credit or debit cards - could be used in space," said Professor George Fraser from the University of Leicester.

"Anything with sharp edges, like coins, would be a risk to astronauts while the chips and magnetic strips used in our cards on Earth would be damaged beyond repair by cosmic radiation," he added.

... 'nuff said

A Work of Genius

I am humbled. Ronnie Hazlehurst was a popular composer of TV music, I know. What I've just read though has brought a huge grin to my face.

The theme tune to "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em" spells out the title in morse code. No, really. A rumour was referred to in his obituary. Some bod (Jim) at BBC 6 Music has decoded it to prove it.

Now I know the theme to Inspector Morse did the same thing. But I reckon it's worth celebrating all the same.

Silly: probably. Fun: yes. Unique: well, no. Genius: definitely.

Rest in peace, Ronnie.

Not *Another* Millenium!

Ethiopia, we learn today, celebrates the Millenuim a little later than the rest of the world. Today, in fact.

I'm amused to see that an inability to count is not limited to the western world. What am I talking about? The old 2000-is-not-the-Millenium thang again. Need a detailed explanation? Read someone more authorative than me explain it. It's pretty simple, really. Start counting at 1 .. continue to 10. The start of the next decade is 11; not 10. The start of the next century is 101; not 100. The start of the next millenium is 1001; not 1000. The start of the next millenium is 2001; not 2000.

End of.

A little BATty

For those who don't know, Belper Against Tesco Store is a group set up to oppose the planned Tesco Store [the clue's in the name]. The proposal has cause much controvery - as such proposals do.

Now every action, it has been said, has an equal and opposite reaction. I was amused, then, to see the recent poster campaign around Belper.

A new protest group against a Tesco superstore in Belper has been putting sarcastic posters up all over town. The group's name TABS, Tesco Against Belper Shops, is a play on BATS protest group Belper Against Tesco Superstore.

The poster is advertising a family day trip this Sunday (September 9) to Tesco's store in Alfreton.

It says: "The aim of the trip is to show Belper people what they could have built on some scrubby waste ground, just far enough away from the town centre so people will never have to walk up King Street again."

A spokesman for BATS, the group that is protesting the Meadows Edge site development, said TABS are nothing to do with them.

Whether you are for or against superstores - and specifically this one - you gotta love the noble art of parody.

News Gems #1:

The First Rule of Design ... build yourself a way out.

I came across this wonderful piece of all too public humiliation this weekend: "Farmer gest lost in his crop maze".

"He spent several minutes trying to find his way out of the five-acre maze before being forced to drive over his carefully tended crop."

You couldn't make it up! [Did they spell "crop" correctly?]

Reality TV

So the other day there was a report that ITV have apologised for a drama about Alzheimer's. Apparently, the scene which portrayed the victim dying in fact showed him slipping into a coma. He died two days later.

There are some things we don't need to know. He had a terrible desease. He died. The fact that we didn't see him die is, to be honest, a comfort to me. There's transparency .. and there's TMI. This rediculous pursuit of perfection will inevitably be at the cost of understanding. The worst part is that it is not done for the benefit of the viewer - but for political reasons. Where will it end?

"The channel apologises for the recent programme implying that hospital is the safest place for a mother to give birth. In fact, this is not true: studies have shown that mothers who give birth at home are more relaxed and have better outcomes."

I'd love to hear the NHS response to that one!

Last night there were a good ten minutes devoted to the documentary on Alzheimer's. Following it was a short article on the misleading reports about the death of Jean Charles de Menezes and another about the US military misleading the families of a soldier killed by friendly fire. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds this prioritisation a little skewed.

The point is .. if there is one at all .. that channels apologising for ripping people off by stealing their money is fair enough. But, guys: you can stop there. We dont have to be told of every inaccuracy on TV .. there just isn't enough air-time! I for one am happy to believe in artistic license and take everything with a pinch of salt.

Life Imitating Art

Is it just me - or is there something wonderfully ironic in the Cornish shark story? Did anyone else notice that Jaws was screened on Saturday night .. just as the shark reports were being made public?

What's even more fun is the capture of a small shark, the reassurance that the beaches were now safe, and then more shark sightings. I kept expecting Richard Dreyfuss to pop on screen saying "I think we need a bigger boat".

Still, at least no bikini-clad teenagers have been half-eaten ...

Music to my Ears

It appears that the powers that be have rejected requests to extend music copyright to 70 years. The likes of Roger Daltrey and Sir Harry Webb (AKA Cliff Richard) have campaigned for the current 50 years to be reviewed.

I have to say I'm glad the copyright hasn't been extended. Successful musicians make an awful lot of money. Royalties are really money for old rope. Yes, the creators deserve credit and money - it is their livelihood after all. Not forever, though. After 50 years, any piece of music has lost its novelty. Most pieces which have remained popular this long have been rehashed and used as inspiration for other pieces by then. In short, the creativity has been paid for.

It's easy for me to say, sure. I'm a musician who'll never make any money out of it. I don't exepect to still be receiving credit for software I've written in 50 years' time. Why should musicians expect this?

The real sting here (no pun intended) is that these people really don't need any more money. Successful pop stars can earn a shocking amount of money if they're clever enough. Can't they get a pension like everybody else?

That tone of voice

It's crept into the news reporting now. That tone of voice. You know the one - where the narrator Stresses Every Word to Drive Home the Importance of What He's Saying. And is always is a bloke.

It started with those "Police! Stop!" programmes imported from the states. The voice over hyping every incident into world-shattering criminal activity. Something like two kids in a clapped out hatchback, having jumped a read light; the narration makes it sound like they're hardened criminals, threatening the lives of all around them.

.. and then, the felons attempt to escape on foot - abandonding the car without a second thought for the other read users. It all goes to show .. there's no escape when you have a broken headlight.

It reminds me of Stephen Tompkinson's character in "Drop the Dead Donkey" .. where he places a cuddly toy in shot and then turns to camera and says ".. and in the rubble .. a child's teddy bear." It's all so fake. The programme ends up skewing the truth to the point where it bears no relation to reality.

I was listening to the news reporting on the flooding in Gloucestershire last night. Arrgh! Why, WHY does it have to be sensational? It's bad enough as it is - without hyping it all up. Do they have an inferiority complex .. that our floods are nowhere near as bad as the aftermath of hurricane Katrina? Is it a competition? Is it an attempt to extract sympathy from an audience numbed by constant bombardment? I would feel more sympathetic if the reporting sounded at least a little sorry for the victims.

When I rule the world .. such reporting will involve public flogging. Now there's sensational!

Age is scary

I've just read the scariest thing. It started innocently: an article about Brian May (yes, that Brian May) finally preparing to submit a PhD thesis abandoned in 1971 when he joined Queen. Then the bombshell:

... the 60-year-old ...

Sixty? SIXTY? No way. Brian May is sixty?

I'm going to lie down for a while until it all goes away.

No Smoke Without ...

Right. This global warming clap-trap has gone quite far enough. Cleaning up the environment? Fine. Reducing pollution? Fine. More energy efficiency? I'm all for it. But putting a stop to bonfires? Madness! (Come back, Los Palmos 7 - all is forgiven.)

Sure, there's smoke'n stuff. CO₂, even. But, really: how often does bonfire night come around? And is it really worse than any "alternative entertainment"? What're they gonna replace it with - which doesn't consume a huge amount of power?

OK, I'm a bit of a traditionalist. But surely, a Guy Fawkes celebration can't be a proper Guy Fawkes celebration without a good ol' bonfire? I grew up near Lewes - where bonfire celebration are taken very seriously, indeed. No bonfire? Not if I can help it!

Also: who's gonna stop them? Round our way, there's a fire in someone's back garden most days. If they stop the annual flame-fest, they'll just burn it all at home anyway.

The bonfire celebration is particularly English. Not the fire itself .. most countries do that. Not the fireworks - they're Chinese or somesuch. What's wonderful about it is that the whole country celebrates an attempt to blow up parliament. That says something about us. I'll accept your suggestions as to what this might be ...

No moral compass

I read through some of the comments on today's "Have Your Say" on the BBC site titled "What should children learn in schools?". I was struck by how many of the messages posted argued against teaching religion. These may well be the same people who will complain about declining moral standards. Some of these poeple may well be the victims of crime, driven by disaffected youth. Why do they think, I wonder, our society is crumbling?

Now I don't think of myself as a particularly religious person. I don't feel strongly connected with the church, but I was brought up to be Christian. I can see the argument that the Church of England and Christianity in general is out of touch with society. I agree. I don't think the answer is to disregard religion, however. In fact, the opposite is true: I think English life would be much improved for involving religion more. Whether this is the responsibility of school, I'm less certain.

But if the church is not going to give us a moral compass - who is? Would you rather be told by politicians or by the Police what is right and what is wrong? I know I wouldn't.

Pensioner used live shell as doorstop

I love stories like this:

"Royal Navy bomb disposal experts were called to a house in Paignton, Devon, after a tip-off that 68-year-old Thelma Bonnett was rather ill-advisedly using a live First World War German shell as a doorstop ..."

Your face .. an an F1 car

.. at Silverstone! For Cheridee!

1. Go to www.facesforcharity.com
2. Pick a car (David Coulthard or Mark Webber)
3. Pick a spot
4. Pay your £10 (plus a donation if you wish)
5. Upload your photo
6. Enjoy!